Healing The Self Well
04/07/08 12:21
We often hear people talk about the
self, but what is it?
The self is a term used to describe something that we know exists, but what exactly? Is my self my thoughts, or what I do for a living? Is my self the roles I choose to play out in my life? Is my self what others think I am? Is my self my past?
If you are like most people, you have used the term throughout your life, without really thinking about it.
The beauty of being a human being, is that we have the ability to think. Although we rarely exercise that ability, we possess it nonetheless.
A dog does not have the ability to wonder why he does what he does. Driven purely by instinct, animals follow the cues from within. Their brain merely allows those cues to be followed out in an effort to maintain the species. Humans however, can think.
A human brain can think, but also possesses the ability to choose not to. Beyond the physical matter that makes up the brain exists consciousness. A human brain without consciousness, will perform just as an animal of the wild, purely on instinct. A human brain unaware of the self, will react according to its conditioning. Humans are conditioned and programmed to behave since the moment they are born. Self awareness is not a given. It is a state one must strive to acquire. It is a state one must choose to expand if one is to live a life true to the self.
Possessing a brain comprised of grey and white matter, blood vessels, and neurons, does not guarantee self awareness. The brains job is to hold images, and thoughts. The brain functions to carry out the physical needs of the body it lives in. The brain makes existing in flesh possible. Consciousness however, is not a matter of the brain at all. A human can walk around in a sleep like state its entire life, reacting and behaving without ever waking to its true self. A person can die, just as asleep as the day before he was born. To heal the self well, one must awaken to ones own consciousness first.
REACTING IS NOT THINKING
Do you think, or do you react?
We have all been angered, but how many of us ask ourselves why what gets us angry does?
If my daughter spills milk and I react with yelling, I need to ask myself why I react that way. If someone cuts in front of me while I am trying to exit an off ramp in my car and I get angry, I need to ask myself why. If I am normally tense and anxious, I need to think and ask myself why. If I upset easily, I need to ask why. If a respond with anger quickly, I should know why. I should attempt to understand my self.
If we all spent 3 seconds between thoughts, in those moments we could think. Most of us respond the way we do, because we have been taught to do so. If I yell at my daughter for spilling milk, chances are I was yelled at as a child for doing the same. If I get angry when someone cuts in front of me, chances I are saw those responses by people I knew while I was growing up. If I am depressed, more than likely I was taken care of by someone who was depressed. If I am an alcoholic, or a rageaholic, I was probably raised by one.
WHAT MAKES US ANGRY
All sorts of scenarios make us angry, but what is at the heart of it all is our egos lies. The ego is that part of us that is rooted in the " I ". The part of us that feels self pity as well as self righteousness. The side of us that believes everyone should go out of their way to make our lives a little easier. The voice in our head that tells us that everyone else is wrong and we are right, that is our ego.
The ego is very seductive. It operates to maintain its perceived sense of power and control over our lives. The egos job is to make everyone else wrong, and it right. In this way, it gets to feel powerful.
Egos blood is assumption. The ego assumes it can read the minds and hearts of others. The ego looks out into the world and tells itself that it knows why Aunt Mary did not call. The ego tells itself Aunt Mary didn't call on purpose. It believes there is some sinister reason behind Aunt Mary not calling. In the thoughts that follow, the ego begins to feel powerful through self righteousness and self pity. Drama ensues as the ego begins to swirl in the seduction it created. As drama unfolds, the ego gets to stand there, point its finger and say, "See everyone, I told you she was out to get me. She ignored me on purpose."
The truth very well may be that Aunt Mary simply forgot to call, or maybe she was at the hospital consoling a friend. It won't matter to the ego of the offended, because the ego does not think, it simply reacts.
SILLY EGO
When a woman argues with her husband, she is rarely arguing about what is coming out of her mouth. Instead, it is her ego that has begun to feel less powerful in the situation, which she needs to somehow rescue. When a man refuses to come home when he said he would, it is his ego that plays the little 'one up game', that causes him to to do so. Our ego is what is creating chaos in our lives. Our ego does not
think. Our ego simply reacts.
When a spouse decides to have an affair, it is the self pitied and self righteous ego that enables the body to do so. When a gambler decides to place another bet, although his pockets are near empty, it is the ego that find the rational that screams, "just one more race". When an alcoholic spends his paycheck at the bar instead of bringing the money home to his family, it is the self pity in his ego that needs attention.
The self lies beyond the ego. Like a seed waiting to burst through the soil, the self lies in waiting until the sun arrives. The sun is our human consciousness. Without it, our self lies in a sleep state I call a psychological coma.
Consciousness requires thoughts, but just not random thoughts, decided thoughts. In order for the human mind to expand and reach consciousness, it must first decide to do so. Until the mind is forced to let go of the material world, which includes the lies believed by the ego, the self lies in sleep.
The world is ego based. The self can not exist, unless first the mind allows the ego to fade. Sometimes excruciating pain is what is needed in order for the mind to shed the ego. The ego attaches itself to things in the material world, like possessions and even other people. The ego whispers, "If only he/she understood me, then I would be happy." The ego believes, " That house is all I need to feel complete in my life." The ego is an illusion. It is the spell most people are under.
Turn on the television and listen to the news. Murder is rage. Rage is a byproduct related to the thoughts believed by the ego. Domestic violence is handed out by those who feel powerless or a shift in their presumed sense of power. Only the ego senses these assumed shifts. It is all in the mind.
The self, your true self knows only peace. The world however is sick, sick with ego.
When the stuff of life happens, and people die, or leave us, it is in these miraculous moments that a gift is presented. Over and over, the universe will try to teach us to let go of THINGS, and PEOPLE, in order to dig deeper into our own selves. As we move through life, we have an opportunity to heal ourselves of the disease of ego. As we lose things, and people, it is as if, the universe is trying to say, "Soul you are enough. Believe in you. Believe in your self. Let things go. Detach from the material and connect to the divine part of you that is connected to all things also divine."
Death, divorce, a loss of a job, these are all opportunities to learn to think. Through pain, the self can be raised up through emotional ashes, and elevate us to a place of consciousness where only peace exists.
You and I are connected to the same intelligence that causes the oceans to churn, and the flowers to grow. The same peace that is the seasons, is also in you. All that is was created by the same intelligence. Call it god, call it divinity, call it whatever you need to call it, but know, know with every fiber of your being, that it also created you.
LETTING GO
Ever wonder where the craziness in your head comes from? We all have those moments when we feel the world is spinning out of control, and our minds won't stop racing. Ever wonder where the hell you are racing to? Why do you have to get there so fast? Why do you have get what needs to be done so quickly?
The pressure we put on ourselves is extraordinary. The truth is, we all place expectations on ourselves as well as others. We all have these conversations in our heads that tell us little stories. In imagery we project our wishes out into the world. We desire certain outcomes. We want people to do what we want them to do. We want them to say what we want them to say. We want them to feel the way we want them to feel. What we are really doing is assuming what others should think and do. We place so much energy on expected outcomes, that we actually set ourselves up for failure.
The ego believes others should do what it thinks it should do. It craves this type of power. All it truly does is set us up to become disappointed, angry, confused, depressed, and even resentful.
Letting go, requires that you allow others to be who they are, and to do what they want, even if that does not line up with what your mind thinks they should do. Letting go means you learn to mind your own business. Think about what you think, what you want, about how you feel. Think about what is best for you, and what is helping you to grow towards greater self awareness. Consider who and what is either a positive or negative in your life. Begin to react less, and think more. Let go of placing your happiness on outside circumstances.
INTENT
In learning to mind our own business, we start a process of self awareness. We begin to hear the voices in our heads. We start to hear the ego telling us it knows what other people are thinking, and soon we begin hearing our consciousness say, "no that is not a divine thought". That thought is self awareness. Self awareness requires the mind to think and to choose. One must choose to become self aware and to want to grow in consciousness.
Being mindful requires vigilance. To break free of the bonds of the ego, the mind must be on alert continually for old thought patterns. When you catch yourself judging, criticizing, feeling sorry for yourself, whining, or getting angry, cast out the ego based thought that got you to that point. That is old programming.
When your intent is to bring peace into your life, your thoughts become blessed. The need to get people to see your side of things subsides, because you begin to understand that they are gods responsibility not yours. You soon learn to see that we are all a work in progress, and that the only true responsibility you have in life, is to become the best you can be. By becoming aware of the thoughts in your head, that lead you to react, you break free of your psychological coma and become more connected to all that is divine in our world. God then sees that you are one that can discern truth, so he then begins to speak more truth to you and through you. When your eyes begin to see more beauty opposed to ugliness, god then sends more beauty to you, for your appreciation has been lifted.
The ego is concerned with the meaninglessness of life. The self is concerned only with that which is holy. You and I at our core are just that, holy. It is not our fault we were born into a flawed world or to flawed people. Nor is it the fault of those who raised us that they are flawed. It just is what it is.
Our healing comes when we learn to think well of all things, especially our own thoughts. What we create in our minds, we can create in our physical world. If I think hate, I will attract that energy directly to my front door. If I think well, if I think peace, then automatically all that is peaceful energy in the world will be attracted to me as a result.
MY STORY
For 3 decades of my life, I believed I knew my self. I had thoughts and assumed those thoughts represented my self. I had feelings and also somewhere in my mind probably assumed I was my feelings. I was a wife, a mother, a friend and a daughter, and believed those labels also helped form my self. I was wrong.
The self is none of the things we can touch in this material world we live in. The self has nothing to do with our feelings or our thoughts. The self is in no way connected to the roles we choose to play out in society. My truth simply is, I never knew my true self.
As a child, I was born to two adult children of alcoholics. Each of them were severely scarred by their childhoods, but never claimed the abuse. Instead, my parents went about their lives detached from their realities and found one another. Like attracting like, my parents married because they were psychologically, spiritually and emotionally twins. Both adult children of alcoholics, completely unaware of their wounds.
I was born to my mother when she was only 19. My mother did her very best to raise her new baby, but I believe the anxiety of her abusive and neglected childhood prevented her from bonding with me. Never having been able to connect with her own mother, she was simply not able to deeply bond with her own child.
A few months prior to my birth, my mothers father died suddenly. I swirled in a pool of toxic infused amniotic fluid. The heart that beat above me, ached and I knew it. The body that carried mine was full of pain. The cells that created mine, were each tainted with the ills of a reality my carrying womb could not escape.
The enormous burden my parents created in their lives by deciding to have me, I now realize was overwhelming. Even as young as three, I could feel the negative energy in our home. I can offer no specific incident to confirm this sense that I have, but I know I knew something was not well with my mothers touch. Perhaps she was not as tender as she could have been, or maybe it was the anxiety in her voice, but my senses remind me that I did not feel accepted.
By the age of 10, I was developing signs of anxiety and stress. I began pulling strands of hair out of my head to calm me. I also started counting compulsively in my head. I would read license plates over and over in my mind unaware that the counting was taking me away from the uneasy feeling I had in my spirit.
THE DISEASE OF INVISIBILITY
Because the unwritten rule in our home was the "no talking rule", I never felt free enough or safe enough to talk about my feelings. Because I felt psychologically invisible, I learned to deny what I was feeling and to instead disappear within my own being. I call this, " The Disease of Invisibility".
I was in every way invisible. It boggled my mind when I looked around at my surroundings. Everything looked perfect, but inside, everything felt wrong. I felt wrong. I felt bad. I felt unworthy. I felt ill. I felt that I simply was bad. The lack of connection between my mother and I, caused my thinking brain to find a reason for the distance between us. My brain told me I must be bad. Because I did not have the tools or the information to think otherwise, my logical mind fed me thoughts to support my inner reality. I felt unloved simply because I was unlovable. I believed that rationale until I was about 32.
THE LOST SELF
I built my life on top of my shattered self, just as my parents had done. I married a man that I thought was perfect, and did everything I could do physically to be perfect too. Ten years down the line, I found myself riddled with anxiety. I developed adult onset asthma, migraines, rashes, and panic attacks. I worried obsessively about the health of my children. I feared death and was gripped by horrific thoughts and images inside my head. I began hating my husband and despising the separateness between us. I became so codependent that all I worried about was pleasing him. My self, was lost.
I did not know at the time, that I was full of self pity or self righteousness. All I knew was that I was in excruciating pain. My body was failing. My spirit felt weakened, because of the powerless feeling I felt by losing myself physically. I was scared, because I felt certain I was going to die of an asthma attack.
I longed for yet hated the idea of my husbands touch. For years my ego toyed with me, and told me, "if he only understood me, I would be happy." My entire marriage I learned to recreate my childhood, and to chase rather than experience love.
THE WAY HOME
My marriage began to suffer great breaks after the birth of my third child. Unaware of what I was creating, I found myself buried under mounds of responsibilities. My relationship with my husband was draining me to the point that I believed I was going to die. His needs became to much to bare, and I eventually began begging him to listen to me. I was in trouble physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. He did not listen. He did not care. In fact, his only concern was that I continue to meet his needs regardless of what I was feeling.
There came a point where I needed him to see me. I could no longer manage living in my skin feeling invisible. I needed him to help me feel real. He told me I was crazy, and that I should see a therapist. Because I wanted to please him, I did in fact go into therapy. I see now the universe had a better reason.
IT ALL FIT LIKE A PUZZLE
In therapy I was taught that I was responsible for my current state of affairs. Although every fiber in my body screamed, "they did this to me", the fact is my whole life fit. I married a man that was my mothers emotional twin. I was comfortable with separateness, so I married a man that fit. Because I had been raised to feel that love was wanting, I married a man that allowed me to chase his love, rather than give it to me. In essence, I married my mother. At the time, I did not know I was replaying my childhood trauma out in my marriage. The revelation however, changed my heart and my mind forever.
I did what I could to help my husband see that we married one another for specific reasons. We were each playing out our childhood roles, but he refused to hear me. He got angry instead and wanting things the way they had always been. I could not go back.
My divorce nearly destroyed me, but the facts helped me stay strong. I knew I could get well. I knew I could relearn and live a healthy life, but that that would require much courage and strength.
FINDING MY SELF
I began journaling and realized that a very long time ago my self was tucked away somewhere deep inside of me. Perhaps my self hid when I was still in my mothers womb. Perhaps I was two and hid when I caught a glance of my mothers cold stare. Perhaps I was 5 when my mother called my a bad girl. Perhaps it was when she labeled me a liar at 12, or when she called me a psycho when I was 14. I don't know for sure, but I do know my self was hiding.
Allowing my self to surface was the first step. I began putting the pieces together. In my past, the messages I received from those around me told me that I was not important. What I thought and felt was irrelevant. A long time ago, I learned not to hear my self. Hearing me, was the first order of business.
Accepting what I heard was the next. I was not happy, and that was scary. That meant that choices had to be made, or that I had to stay. I was dying in every sense of the word, so I knew decisions had to be made.
Journaling helped me conquer The Disease of Invisibility. Seeing what I felt on paper allowed me the freedom to connect deeper within my self, so that I could finally begin outwardly manifesting the life I truly deserved.
Healing the self well required accountability.
FORGIVING
When I finally started to understand that I attracted my husband into my life, a miracle happened. I could no longer hate him. Instead, I learned to surrender and to accept that he had helped me see my truth. It frightened me however, to realize what could have been. Had I not experienced so much pain, what would have become of me? Would I have stayed, and simply faded away spiritually? Would I have died out, and left this world? Would I have become a robot wife, simply following orders, unable to think or express my self?
When I stopped feeling sorry for my self, I began to forgive all those around me. I learned to forgive my parents, because the truth is, they did a much better job raising me, than their parents did raising them. My parents did not intentionally transfer their wounds onto me. in most cases, pain is not intentionally, it is innocent of intent. In my case, my parents believed the lies their egos told them. Each of them believed that if they could control their environment, they would be happy. If my mother cleaned compulsively, and my father worked compulsively, then they would each be happy. In their minds, control made them feel powerful. Each of them picked a subject to master and did so. Sadly, they learned to not see or feel their children while they spent their time trying to control their environments.
I forgave because I understood. I understood I was one of the lucky ones that got a chance to do better. Why me, I am not sure. I survived a divorce by a man whose agenda became to destroy me in any way he could. His rage over losing control over me and his life, engulfed him. He become possessed by his ego and did things that do this day leave me shaking my head wondering how anyone could have been so cruel. I understand now. In his mind, the lies he told himself were, it was all my fault. His ego burned him up with self pity and self righteousness. His ego needed to punish me to help him feel powerful again.
Forgiving does not mean accepting. I do not accept what was done in rage, but I can forgive it, and strive to understand the fragility of his ego or anyones ego who offends me for that matter.
In life when we find our selves being offended, it is best to stop. It is best to give our spirit times to think because if we don't, our immature egos will take over automatically. By giving ourselves time to think, we learn to mature our spirit and to ignore our ego. People who seek to offend us, are drenched in ego. Until their life brings them to a point where they feel the need to reevaluate the way they think, it is best that those of us who choose of evolve in greater self awareness, think instead of react.
The self is a term used to describe something that we know exists, but what exactly? Is my self my thoughts, or what I do for a living? Is my self the roles I choose to play out in my life? Is my self what others think I am? Is my self my past?
If you are like most people, you have used the term throughout your life, without really thinking about it.
The beauty of being a human being, is that we have the ability to think. Although we rarely exercise that ability, we possess it nonetheless.
A dog does not have the ability to wonder why he does what he does. Driven purely by instinct, animals follow the cues from within. Their brain merely allows those cues to be followed out in an effort to maintain the species. Humans however, can think.
A human brain can think, but also possesses the ability to choose not to. Beyond the physical matter that makes up the brain exists consciousness. A human brain without consciousness, will perform just as an animal of the wild, purely on instinct. A human brain unaware of the self, will react according to its conditioning. Humans are conditioned and programmed to behave since the moment they are born. Self awareness is not a given. It is a state one must strive to acquire. It is a state one must choose to expand if one is to live a life true to the self.
Possessing a brain comprised of grey and white matter, blood vessels, and neurons, does not guarantee self awareness. The brains job is to hold images, and thoughts. The brain functions to carry out the physical needs of the body it lives in. The brain makes existing in flesh possible. Consciousness however, is not a matter of the brain at all. A human can walk around in a sleep like state its entire life, reacting and behaving without ever waking to its true self. A person can die, just as asleep as the day before he was born. To heal the self well, one must awaken to ones own consciousness first.
REACTING IS NOT THINKING
Do you think, or do you react?
We have all been angered, but how many of us ask ourselves why what gets us angry does?
If my daughter spills milk and I react with yelling, I need to ask myself why I react that way. If someone cuts in front of me while I am trying to exit an off ramp in my car and I get angry, I need to ask myself why. If I am normally tense and anxious, I need to think and ask myself why. If I upset easily, I need to ask why. If a respond with anger quickly, I should know why. I should attempt to understand my self.
If we all spent 3 seconds between thoughts, in those moments we could think. Most of us respond the way we do, because we have been taught to do so. If I yell at my daughter for spilling milk, chances are I was yelled at as a child for doing the same. If I get angry when someone cuts in front of me, chances I are saw those responses by people I knew while I was growing up. If I am depressed, more than likely I was taken care of by someone who was depressed. If I am an alcoholic, or a rageaholic, I was probably raised by one.
WHAT MAKES US ANGRY
All sorts of scenarios make us angry, but what is at the heart of it all is our egos lies. The ego is that part of us that is rooted in the " I ". The part of us that feels self pity as well as self righteousness. The side of us that believes everyone should go out of their way to make our lives a little easier. The voice in our head that tells us that everyone else is wrong and we are right, that is our ego.
The ego is very seductive. It operates to maintain its perceived sense of power and control over our lives. The egos job is to make everyone else wrong, and it right. In this way, it gets to feel powerful.
Egos blood is assumption. The ego assumes it can read the minds and hearts of others. The ego looks out into the world and tells itself that it knows why Aunt Mary did not call. The ego tells itself Aunt Mary didn't call on purpose. It believes there is some sinister reason behind Aunt Mary not calling. In the thoughts that follow, the ego begins to feel powerful through self righteousness and self pity. Drama ensues as the ego begins to swirl in the seduction it created. As drama unfolds, the ego gets to stand there, point its finger and say, "See everyone, I told you she was out to get me. She ignored me on purpose."
The truth very well may be that Aunt Mary simply forgot to call, or maybe she was at the hospital consoling a friend. It won't matter to the ego of the offended, because the ego does not think, it simply reacts.
SILLY EGO
When a woman argues with her husband, she is rarely arguing about what is coming out of her mouth. Instead, it is her ego that has begun to feel less powerful in the situation, which she needs to somehow rescue. When a man refuses to come home when he said he would, it is his ego that plays the little 'one up game', that causes him to to do so. Our ego is what is creating chaos in our lives. Our ego does not
think. Our ego simply reacts.
When a spouse decides to have an affair, it is the self pitied and self righteous ego that enables the body to do so. When a gambler decides to place another bet, although his pockets are near empty, it is the ego that find the rational that screams, "just one more race". When an alcoholic spends his paycheck at the bar instead of bringing the money home to his family, it is the self pity in his ego that needs attention.
The self lies beyond the ego. Like a seed waiting to burst through the soil, the self lies in waiting until the sun arrives. The sun is our human consciousness. Without it, our self lies in a sleep state I call a psychological coma.
Consciousness requires thoughts, but just not random thoughts, decided thoughts. In order for the human mind to expand and reach consciousness, it must first decide to do so. Until the mind is forced to let go of the material world, which includes the lies believed by the ego, the self lies in sleep.
The world is ego based. The self can not exist, unless first the mind allows the ego to fade. Sometimes excruciating pain is what is needed in order for the mind to shed the ego. The ego attaches itself to things in the material world, like possessions and even other people. The ego whispers, "If only he/she understood me, then I would be happy." The ego believes, " That house is all I need to feel complete in my life." The ego is an illusion. It is the spell most people are under.
Turn on the television and listen to the news. Murder is rage. Rage is a byproduct related to the thoughts believed by the ego. Domestic violence is handed out by those who feel powerless or a shift in their presumed sense of power. Only the ego senses these assumed shifts. It is all in the mind.
The self, your true self knows only peace. The world however is sick, sick with ego.
When the stuff of life happens, and people die, or leave us, it is in these miraculous moments that a gift is presented. Over and over, the universe will try to teach us to let go of THINGS, and PEOPLE, in order to dig deeper into our own selves. As we move through life, we have an opportunity to heal ourselves of the disease of ego. As we lose things, and people, it is as if, the universe is trying to say, "Soul you are enough. Believe in you. Believe in your self. Let things go. Detach from the material and connect to the divine part of you that is connected to all things also divine."
Death, divorce, a loss of a job, these are all opportunities to learn to think. Through pain, the self can be raised up through emotional ashes, and elevate us to a place of consciousness where only peace exists.
You and I are connected to the same intelligence that causes the oceans to churn, and the flowers to grow. The same peace that is the seasons, is also in you. All that is was created by the same intelligence. Call it god, call it divinity, call it whatever you need to call it, but know, know with every fiber of your being, that it also created you.
LETTING GO
Ever wonder where the craziness in your head comes from? We all have those moments when we feel the world is spinning out of control, and our minds won't stop racing. Ever wonder where the hell you are racing to? Why do you have to get there so fast? Why do you have get what needs to be done so quickly?
The pressure we put on ourselves is extraordinary. The truth is, we all place expectations on ourselves as well as others. We all have these conversations in our heads that tell us little stories. In imagery we project our wishes out into the world. We desire certain outcomes. We want people to do what we want them to do. We want them to say what we want them to say. We want them to feel the way we want them to feel. What we are really doing is assuming what others should think and do. We place so much energy on expected outcomes, that we actually set ourselves up for failure.
The ego believes others should do what it thinks it should do. It craves this type of power. All it truly does is set us up to become disappointed, angry, confused, depressed, and even resentful.
Letting go, requires that you allow others to be who they are, and to do what they want, even if that does not line up with what your mind thinks they should do. Letting go means you learn to mind your own business. Think about what you think, what you want, about how you feel. Think about what is best for you, and what is helping you to grow towards greater self awareness. Consider who and what is either a positive or negative in your life. Begin to react less, and think more. Let go of placing your happiness on outside circumstances.
INTENT
In learning to mind our own business, we start a process of self awareness. We begin to hear the voices in our heads. We start to hear the ego telling us it knows what other people are thinking, and soon we begin hearing our consciousness say, "no that is not a divine thought". That thought is self awareness. Self awareness requires the mind to think and to choose. One must choose to become self aware and to want to grow in consciousness.
Being mindful requires vigilance. To break free of the bonds of the ego, the mind must be on alert continually for old thought patterns. When you catch yourself judging, criticizing, feeling sorry for yourself, whining, or getting angry, cast out the ego based thought that got you to that point. That is old programming.
When your intent is to bring peace into your life, your thoughts become blessed. The need to get people to see your side of things subsides, because you begin to understand that they are gods responsibility not yours. You soon learn to see that we are all a work in progress, and that the only true responsibility you have in life, is to become the best you can be. By becoming aware of the thoughts in your head, that lead you to react, you break free of your psychological coma and become more connected to all that is divine in our world. God then sees that you are one that can discern truth, so he then begins to speak more truth to you and through you. When your eyes begin to see more beauty opposed to ugliness, god then sends more beauty to you, for your appreciation has been lifted.
The ego is concerned with the meaninglessness of life. The self is concerned only with that which is holy. You and I at our core are just that, holy. It is not our fault we were born into a flawed world or to flawed people. Nor is it the fault of those who raised us that they are flawed. It just is what it is.
Our healing comes when we learn to think well of all things, especially our own thoughts. What we create in our minds, we can create in our physical world. If I think hate, I will attract that energy directly to my front door. If I think well, if I think peace, then automatically all that is peaceful energy in the world will be attracted to me as a result.
MY STORY
For 3 decades of my life, I believed I knew my self. I had thoughts and assumed those thoughts represented my self. I had feelings and also somewhere in my mind probably assumed I was my feelings. I was a wife, a mother, a friend and a daughter, and believed those labels also helped form my self. I was wrong.
The self is none of the things we can touch in this material world we live in. The self has nothing to do with our feelings or our thoughts. The self is in no way connected to the roles we choose to play out in society. My truth simply is, I never knew my true self.
As a child, I was born to two adult children of alcoholics. Each of them were severely scarred by their childhoods, but never claimed the abuse. Instead, my parents went about their lives detached from their realities and found one another. Like attracting like, my parents married because they were psychologically, spiritually and emotionally twins. Both adult children of alcoholics, completely unaware of their wounds.
I was born to my mother when she was only 19. My mother did her very best to raise her new baby, but I believe the anxiety of her abusive and neglected childhood prevented her from bonding with me. Never having been able to connect with her own mother, she was simply not able to deeply bond with her own child.
A few months prior to my birth, my mothers father died suddenly. I swirled in a pool of toxic infused amniotic fluid. The heart that beat above me, ached and I knew it. The body that carried mine was full of pain. The cells that created mine, were each tainted with the ills of a reality my carrying womb could not escape.
The enormous burden my parents created in their lives by deciding to have me, I now realize was overwhelming. Even as young as three, I could feel the negative energy in our home. I can offer no specific incident to confirm this sense that I have, but I know I knew something was not well with my mothers touch. Perhaps she was not as tender as she could have been, or maybe it was the anxiety in her voice, but my senses remind me that I did not feel accepted.
By the age of 10, I was developing signs of anxiety and stress. I began pulling strands of hair out of my head to calm me. I also started counting compulsively in my head. I would read license plates over and over in my mind unaware that the counting was taking me away from the uneasy feeling I had in my spirit.
THE DISEASE OF INVISIBILITY
Because the unwritten rule in our home was the "no talking rule", I never felt free enough or safe enough to talk about my feelings. Because I felt psychologically invisible, I learned to deny what I was feeling and to instead disappear within my own being. I call this, " The Disease of Invisibility".
I was in every way invisible. It boggled my mind when I looked around at my surroundings. Everything looked perfect, but inside, everything felt wrong. I felt wrong. I felt bad. I felt unworthy. I felt ill. I felt that I simply was bad. The lack of connection between my mother and I, caused my thinking brain to find a reason for the distance between us. My brain told me I must be bad. Because I did not have the tools or the information to think otherwise, my logical mind fed me thoughts to support my inner reality. I felt unloved simply because I was unlovable. I believed that rationale until I was about 32.
THE LOST SELF
I built my life on top of my shattered self, just as my parents had done. I married a man that I thought was perfect, and did everything I could do physically to be perfect too. Ten years down the line, I found myself riddled with anxiety. I developed adult onset asthma, migraines, rashes, and panic attacks. I worried obsessively about the health of my children. I feared death and was gripped by horrific thoughts and images inside my head. I began hating my husband and despising the separateness between us. I became so codependent that all I worried about was pleasing him. My self, was lost.
I did not know at the time, that I was full of self pity or self righteousness. All I knew was that I was in excruciating pain. My body was failing. My spirit felt weakened, because of the powerless feeling I felt by losing myself physically. I was scared, because I felt certain I was going to die of an asthma attack.
I longed for yet hated the idea of my husbands touch. For years my ego toyed with me, and told me, "if he only understood me, I would be happy." My entire marriage I learned to recreate my childhood, and to chase rather than experience love.
THE WAY HOME
My marriage began to suffer great breaks after the birth of my third child. Unaware of what I was creating, I found myself buried under mounds of responsibilities. My relationship with my husband was draining me to the point that I believed I was going to die. His needs became to much to bare, and I eventually began begging him to listen to me. I was in trouble physically, mentally, spiritually and emotionally. He did not listen. He did not care. In fact, his only concern was that I continue to meet his needs regardless of what I was feeling.
There came a point where I needed him to see me. I could no longer manage living in my skin feeling invisible. I needed him to help me feel real. He told me I was crazy, and that I should see a therapist. Because I wanted to please him, I did in fact go into therapy. I see now the universe had a better reason.
IT ALL FIT LIKE A PUZZLE
In therapy I was taught that I was responsible for my current state of affairs. Although every fiber in my body screamed, "they did this to me", the fact is my whole life fit. I married a man that was my mothers emotional twin. I was comfortable with separateness, so I married a man that fit. Because I had been raised to feel that love was wanting, I married a man that allowed me to chase his love, rather than give it to me. In essence, I married my mother. At the time, I did not know I was replaying my childhood trauma out in my marriage. The revelation however, changed my heart and my mind forever.
I did what I could to help my husband see that we married one another for specific reasons. We were each playing out our childhood roles, but he refused to hear me. He got angry instead and wanting things the way they had always been. I could not go back.
My divorce nearly destroyed me, but the facts helped me stay strong. I knew I could get well. I knew I could relearn and live a healthy life, but that that would require much courage and strength.
FINDING MY SELF
I began journaling and realized that a very long time ago my self was tucked away somewhere deep inside of me. Perhaps my self hid when I was still in my mothers womb. Perhaps I was two and hid when I caught a glance of my mothers cold stare. Perhaps I was 5 when my mother called my a bad girl. Perhaps it was when she labeled me a liar at 12, or when she called me a psycho when I was 14. I don't know for sure, but I do know my self was hiding.
Allowing my self to surface was the first step. I began putting the pieces together. In my past, the messages I received from those around me told me that I was not important. What I thought and felt was irrelevant. A long time ago, I learned not to hear my self. Hearing me, was the first order of business.
Accepting what I heard was the next. I was not happy, and that was scary. That meant that choices had to be made, or that I had to stay. I was dying in every sense of the word, so I knew decisions had to be made.
Journaling helped me conquer The Disease of Invisibility. Seeing what I felt on paper allowed me the freedom to connect deeper within my self, so that I could finally begin outwardly manifesting the life I truly deserved.
Healing the self well required accountability.
FORGIVING
When I finally started to understand that I attracted my husband into my life, a miracle happened. I could no longer hate him. Instead, I learned to surrender and to accept that he had helped me see my truth. It frightened me however, to realize what could have been. Had I not experienced so much pain, what would have become of me? Would I have stayed, and simply faded away spiritually? Would I have died out, and left this world? Would I have become a robot wife, simply following orders, unable to think or express my self?
When I stopped feeling sorry for my self, I began to forgive all those around me. I learned to forgive my parents, because the truth is, they did a much better job raising me, than their parents did raising them. My parents did not intentionally transfer their wounds onto me. in most cases, pain is not intentionally, it is innocent of intent. In my case, my parents believed the lies their egos told them. Each of them believed that if they could control their environment, they would be happy. If my mother cleaned compulsively, and my father worked compulsively, then they would each be happy. In their minds, control made them feel powerful. Each of them picked a subject to master and did so. Sadly, they learned to not see or feel their children while they spent their time trying to control their environments.
I forgave because I understood. I understood I was one of the lucky ones that got a chance to do better. Why me, I am not sure. I survived a divorce by a man whose agenda became to destroy me in any way he could. His rage over losing control over me and his life, engulfed him. He become possessed by his ego and did things that do this day leave me shaking my head wondering how anyone could have been so cruel. I understand now. In his mind, the lies he told himself were, it was all my fault. His ego burned him up with self pity and self righteousness. His ego needed to punish me to help him feel powerful again.
Forgiving does not mean accepting. I do not accept what was done in rage, but I can forgive it, and strive to understand the fragility of his ego or anyones ego who offends me for that matter.
In life when we find our selves being offended, it is best to stop. It is best to give our spirit times to think because if we don't, our immature egos will take over automatically. By giving ourselves time to think, we learn to mature our spirit and to ignore our ego. People who seek to offend us, are drenched in ego. Until their life brings them to a point where they feel the need to reevaluate the way they think, it is best that those of us who choose of evolve in greater self awareness, think instead of react.
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